15 August, 2011 00:55

 

COMMITMENTS :  Cutting the Cord :  Saying goodbye to your therapist can elicit bad feelings–unless it’s handled right. Then the parting can be a chance for growth.

December 04, 1995|LIBBY SLATE | SPECIAL TO THE TIMES
You’ve been in psychotherapyfor a while and feel your therapist just isn’t meeting your needs anymore, so you decide it’s time for a change. Or perhaps it is your therapist who is moving on–leaving town, going on maternity leave, retiring because of age or illness.Whatever the reason for bidding adieu, when the two of you part company, you’re not just breaking off with a mental-health professional. Therapy involves transference, in which you transfer feelings about important figures in your life onto the therapist. So you’re also saying sayonara to your mother, your father, significant others past and present, best friend, maybe a sibling or two–so many people it’s a wonder you can all fit into one office.

That period of wrapping up therapy and saying goodbye is known as “termination,” a word that evokes images of being fired from a job or being stalked by Arnold Schwarzenegger. But mental-health experts consider termination a crucial stage in therapy.

If handled properly, it provides an opportunity to re-examine the issues that led the client to seek help in the first place, to evaluate the therapy itself and to deal with feelings that might bubble up in the face of bidding farewell.

A so-called natural termination, in which the two of you agree to end treatment because your goals have been met, is difficult enough. Who, after all, likes to say goodbye, especially to someone who has helped you so profoundly and so intimately? But a premature termination, where a dissatisfied client leaves without much notice or a therapist departs before the patient is ready, can be downright traumatic.

“It’s always best if people can have time to pay attention to the process of saying goodbye,” says Carl Shubs, a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Beverly Hills. “If people leave too abruptly, it interferes with the process–they’re not able to deal with the sadness or anger, the mourning that occurs.”

Adds Sylvia Martin, a licensed marriage, family and child therapist in private practice in Sherman Oaks: “Termination is a time when people start to deal with all their losses. It can trigger feelings about old issues, or issues about the relationship between the therapist and client.

“If there is an old loss they have not grieved, they will tap in and experience the same feelings,” she says. “Maybe they had a feeling of abandonment when they were young and did not understand it. Or maybe they have not had the luxury before now of dealing with a loss–for example, going through a divorce with two kids.”

*

If it is the patient who says so long, a good therapist will try to determine if he or she wants out because the topics being discussed are becoming too painful. In those cases, the therapist will encourage the patient to remain, so as to work through the discomfort and resolve those issues.

Many times, though, the client is willing to slog through the hard stuff, but feels this particular therapist is less than able. Such was the case last year for Laura, 41, who works in the travel industry in Orange County and sought counseling for marital problems.

“I was therapy illiterate,” she recalls. “I had no basis for comparison. But I never felt I was getting help. I would drive home and think, ‘Why did I just go there?’ I didn’t expect a magic cure, but I was just begging my therapist, ‘Give me some tools to help me.’

“All she said was, I had to divorce my husband, which I wasn’t ready to do. I felt her attitude was, ‘You won’t take my advice, so I don’t know what to tell you.’ ”

Laura–who is still married and on better terms with her husband–found another therapist to her liking. But she stuck with her first counselor longer than she preferred to because, she says, “The last thing I wanted was to look for someone new to spill my guts to, to start over again.”

Indeed, for some people, leaving the current therapist is the easy part; it’s finding a new one that poses problems. Says Studio City writer Catherine Johnson, author of the book “When to Say Goodbye to Your Therapist” (Simon and Schuster, 1988), “Finding a new therapist is not like finding a new dentist. It’s extremely difficult to find a match.

“It’s a bit like finding a lover, or best friend, or a parent. You don’t just go out and find a new best friend. You have to find a real emotional fit, on top of basic competence.”

Lisa Moore, 34, a West Los Angeles advertising account executive, discovered that last year when she left the marriage and family counselor she had been seeing for 15 months because she thought the therapist had crossed the professional line and was becoming too friendly. After six weeks with a new therapist recommended by her physician, she decided to return to her former counselor.

http://articles.latimes.com/1995-12-04/news/ls-10124_1_bad-feelings

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14 August, 2011 23:20

When is it time to say
goodbye to a therapist?

By Alexia
Elejalde-Ruiz

Chicago Tribune

Posted: 03/29/2011 01:00:00 AM MDT

Maybe you don’t like your therapist. Maybe you do, but you’ve resolved the
issues that drove you to seek counseling in the first place. Or maybe those
issues remain unresolved, with few signs of progress. Maybe your sessions feel
as if they’ve morphed into very expensive chats with a friend.

For myriad reasons, people come to a point when they wonder if they should
break up with their therapist. And “break up” is the right term for it, because
quitting therapy can spur emotions as painful and complicated as ending a
romantic relationship.

How do you know if you’re ready to stop therapy? And how should you go about
it? First, any therapy that is abusive or destructive should be stopped
immediately, said Dr. Kenneth Settel, clinical instructor in psychiatry at
Harvard Medical School. Examples of abusive therapists are those who are
disrespectful or insensitive to certain issues; those who violate boundaries;
those who reveal too much about their own problems; and those who insist on
focusing on areas the patient didn’t come in for.

But assuming you’re not dealing with that, patients should approach ending
therapy as a chance to grow, Settel said. Rather than cut and run or avoid the
topic altogether — tempting routes for the confrontation-avoidant — it’s
important that patients, well, talk to their therapist about it.

In therapy, the relationship between the patient and the therapist is a
vehicle for understanding the patient’s issues, Settel said. So the way you end
therapy can be a way of examining how you say goodbye to people, and the
feelings involved in leaving and loss.

Ask yourself why you want to move on. When did you start feeling that the
therapy was no longer helpful or productive? What happened that made it
different? Was there a change in you, in the topics being discussed, in the
therapist? Confronting that tension can be a turning point because it forces you
to work through obstacles, Settel said.

“Ending therapy can be very therapeutic,” Settel said.

Though the patient-therapist relationship can have a weird power dynamic —
you’re paying, but the therapist is the expert and knows your every demon —
patients should feel they have control of the process, said Lynn Bufka, a
psychologist and head of the department of practice, research and policy at the
American Psychological Association. Patients should feel empowered to ask
questions, steer the sessions to focus on particular issues and let the
therapist know what’s not working.

The tricky part is making sure you’re not leaving therapy just because it’s
unpleasant or difficult, which oftentimes it has to be, Bufka said. More than
make you feel better, therapy is supposed to help you understand yourself
better.

On the flip side, therapy shouldn’t be some indefinite appointment you keep
as part of your routine. There should be regular discussions about what you’re
trying to accomplish and whether you’re meeting those goals.

“I hope that I’m going to work myself out of a job,” Bufka said.

There is such a thing as staying in therapy for too long. One warning sign is
if a patient has to run all decisions by his or her therapist, which can signal
dependency, Bufka said. Another concern is if the therapist relationship is
taking the place of building other relationships.

Another downside of staying in therapy for too long is that you don’t have
the opportunity to practice the skills you’re developing independently, Settel
said. If the therapy was aiming to help you build internal skills of
self-observation, stopping therapy can encourage growth because it forces you to
internalize the process.

Read more: When is it
time to say goodbye to a therapist? – The Denver Post
http://www.denverpost.com/lifestyles/ci_17720234#ixzz1YuUEWgne

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http://www.denverpost.com/termsofuse

http://www.denverpost.com/lifestyles/ci_17720234

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Jaycee Dugard Interview with Diane Sawyer; Her Future After Surviving Philip Garrido – ABC News

 

Jaycee Dugard Interview with Diane Sawyer; Her Future After Surviving Philip Garrido – ABC News.

July 10, 2011

 

Jaycee Dugard has powerful memories from the last 20 years, 18 of them spent as a prisoner of kidnappers Phillip and Nancy Garrido.

Yet, some of the most overwhelming memories come from her first two years of freedom which she and her children have spent reunited with her mother.

“Wow. Now I can walk in the next room and see my mom. Wow. I can decide to jump in the car and go to the beach with the girls. Wow. It’s unbelievable. Truly,” Dugard said in an exclusive interview with ABC News’ Diane Sawyer.

Dugard was kidnapped by Phillip and Nancy Garrido when she was just 11 years old in 1991 and held captive in a backyard compound.

She was subjected to rape, manipulation and verbal abuse. She gave birth to two daughters fathered by her abductor in that backyard prison.

Dugard lived in virtual solitary confinement until her first daughter was born three years into captivity and wasn’t allowed to spend time outdoors until after her second daughter was born, more than six years after her abduction.

She writes that the closest thing to freedom she ever felt in the compound was when she was allowed to live in her own tent and plant a small garden.

Now, Dugard is telling all in a new memoir, “A Stolen Life,” and in her exclusive interview with Sawyer.

She’s taking an unflinching look at the horror she’s overcome and giving an unsparing account of the way a predator operates and how she survived.

PHOTO: ABC News' Diane Sawyer sits down for an exclusive interview with Jaycee Dugard Sunday night, July 10th on ABC.
/ABC News
ABC News’ Diane Sawyer sat down for an… View Full Size
Jaycee Dugard Dependent on Her Abductor Watch Video
Introducing Jaycee Dugard to Nancy Garrido Watch Video
Jaycee Dugard Pregnant at Age 14Watch Video

“Why not look at it? You know, stare it down until it can’t scare you anymore,” she told Sawyer. “I didn’t want there to be any more secrets…I hadn’t done anything wrong. It wasn’t something I did that caused this to happen. And I feel that by putting it all out there, it’s very freeing,” Dugard said.

Dugard, 31, remembers the first night after she and her daughters were rescued in 2009.

They spent the night in a motel room just down the hall from Dugard’s mother, Terry Probyn.

Both Probyn and Dugard had held out hope throughout their nearly two decade separation that they’d find one another.

They had no idea that they’d been only 120 miles from one another the whole time.

“That night, I woke the girls [my daughters] up and I just said, “I’m so happy. I’m so happy!” Dugard said. “I ran down the hall…the girls are following me and knocking on the door…I walked in, ‘I’m so happy! I’m so happy!”

Click Here to Watch the Full Episode of Diane Sawyer’s Exclusive Interview with Jaycee Dugard

Simple firsts have brought healing to Dugard and her family: learning how to drive from the sister who was just a baby when Dugard was kidnapped, eating family dinners around a table instead of the fast food that Phillip Garrido fed her for 18 years, and even just saying her name which was forbidden by her captors.

Still, the sounds of her imprisonment haunt her.

“That lock. Hearing the lock…for some reason that and the bed squeal. It was a squeaky bed…I guess the noise, the sound. Weird what sticks in your head,” Dugard said.

Dugard remembers trying not to cry when she was first abducted because it was too hard to wipe tears away with her hands cuffed behind her back.

“I didn’t really want to, because then you can’t wipe them away, you know? Then you get all sticky and …then they get itchy,” Dugard said.

She says she had no choice but to endure.

“There’s a switch that I had to shut off,” she said. “I mean, I can’t imagine being beaten to death, you know? And you can’t imagine being kidnapped and raped, you know? So, it’s just, you just do what you have to do to survive.”

Page 2 of 4
July 10, 2011

 

Two of the most challenging moments for Dugard were giving birth to her two daughters in 1994 and 1997.

“I knew there was no hospital,” she said. “I knew there was no leaving.”

At just 13 years old, Dugard noticed she was putting on weight but didn’t know why.

On a Sunday in 1994, the Garridos told her she was pregnant.

Before her abduction, the little girl who sold Girl Scout cookies and wrote stories, knew nothing about sex.

Dugard writes that giving birth was the most painful experience in her life.

“And then I saw her. She was beautiful. I felt like I wasn’t alone anymore. [I] had somebody else who was mine…and I know I could never let anything happen to her. I didn’t know how I was going to do that, but I did,” she said.

 

The Kidnapping

Dugard remembers the last time she left her family’s Tahoe, Calif., home to walk to her fifth grade classroom on June 10, 1991.

She’d packed her peanut butter and jelly lunch, worn her favorite kitty shirt and a butterfly ring given to her by her mother.

In all pink, she started on her walk.

“And [I] walked up the side of the hill…that was the safe way to go against traffic. And halfway up, my world changed in an instant,” Dugard said. “I heard a car behind me.”

Creeping behind Dugard were Phillip and Nancy Garrido. Phillip Garrido rolled down his car window.

Jaycee Dugard Dependent on Her Abductor Watch Video
Introducing Jaycee Dugard to Nancy Garrido Watch Video
Jaycee Dugard Pregnant at Age 14Watch Video

“His hand shoots out and I just feel numb. My whole body is tingly…I fall back in the bushes,” Dugard said.

Garrido had shocked her with a stun gun. Panicked, Dugard scooted back towards the woods. She remembers grasping a sticky pinecone, the last thing she touched while free.

Now, she wears a pinecone charm around her neck to symbolize her freedom.

“It’s a symbol of hope and new beginnings and that there is life after something tragic.”

After shocking her, the Garridos stuffed her into their car, hid her under a blanket in the backseat.

Nancy Garrido sat on her while Phillip Garrido drove to the couple’s Antioch, Calif., home.

“It was so hot,” she said. “I remember my throat felt very dry and scratchy and like I had been screaming, but I don’t remember screaming,” she said.

Dugard remembers hearing Phillip Garrido laugh and say, “I can’t believe we got away with it.”

“It was like the most horrible moment of your life times ten,” she said.

When they arrived at their home, Dugard was stripped of her backpack, her pink clothes and her name. Garrido took her to the bathroom and told her she had to be quiet.

“I guess he wanted me to be clean…very scary. I was scared,” Dugard said.

Dugard was forced to wear nothing but a towel at first and was locked in a semi-soundproof room that had only one window.

Somehow, Phillip Garrido missed the pinky ring her mother had given her. She’d hold onto that ring throughout her captivity. She’d also hold onto the hope that she’d see her mom again.

 

Clinging to the Memory of Her Mother

“I wondered if she found out what had happened to me, if she was looking for me,” Dugard said.

Dugard worried that she’d forget what her mother looked like. She’d keep journals referring to her mother as just “her” because to write “mom” was just too painful.

Her mom, Terry Probyn, carried out a frantic search for her daughter, making tearful pleas on television.

She’d continue to hold vigils for her daughter when public interest in the family’s plight waned.

Page 3 of 4
July 10, 2011

 

“I feel like I spent my lifetime looking for her and dreaming about her and talking to you and you were always there. You never left me,” Probyn told Dugard during the interview.

The two women, clinching hands and with their bodies turned toward one another, share a remarkable bond.

“Being a mom now, you know, I know that she never forgot about me because I could never forget about my kids. But…when you’re a kid and you think you’re easily forgettable and you’re not important. But she kept…her hope. I don’t know how she did that. You know? How did I keep my hope? How did she keep her hope,” Dugard said.

Dugard still fights feelings of anger towards her captors, but tries not to dwell on them.

“I don’t feel like I have this rage inside of me that’s building,” Dugard said. “I refuse to let him have that. He can’t have me.”

Dugard’s mother can’t forget what the Garridos stole from her daughter and her.

“I think I have enough hate in my heart for the both of us. I hate that he took her life away and that makes me sad…I hate that he stole her from me. He ripped out a piece of my heart and he stole my baby,” Probyn said.

The two women look at one another. Probyn tells her, “I’m sorry, baby.”

She goes on, “He stole your adolescence. He stole high school proms and had pictures and memories…”

Dugard smiles and tells her mom, “But he didn’t get all of me.”

Jaycee Dugard Dependent on Her Abductor Watch Video
Introducing Jaycee Dugard to Nancy Garrido Watch Video
Jaycee Dugard Pregnant at Age 14Watch Video

 

The Manipulation

The Garridos mercilessly manipulated Dugard.

When she was first kidnapped, Phillip Garrido kept a stun gun present whenever he raped her, a way to remind her of his power.

After abusing Dugard, sometimes for hours in drug fueled sex binges called “runs,” he would sob and apologize.

He’d tell her that he had a sex problem and she was saving him from hurting other little girls.

While Philip Garrido was her main tormentor, his wife Nancy was equally adept at playing with Dugard’s emotions. She would bring Dugard things like a purple bear, a Barbie, chocolate milk, a Nintendo.

But she never stopped her husband from abusing Dugard.

She’d even keep Dugard locked in the compound when Phillip Garrido was away serving time for a parole violation.

“In some way, she’s just as manipulative, because she would cry and say, ‘I can’t believe that he did this. I wish he would have got a headache that morning he took you,'” Dugard recalled.

“In some ways, she’s…just as evil as Phillip,” Dugard said.

The Garridos manipulated Dugard until the presence of a stun gun and the use of handcuffs were no longer needed to keep her from fleeing.

It was classic manipulation, Dugard’s therapist, Dr. Rebecca Bailey, said.

Bailey is a family unification therapist.

Phillip Garrido’s power over Dugard grew by being “responsible for everything from time to food to human companionship to your clothes to your identity,” Bailey said.

When Dugard had her daughters, she didn’t flee because Phillip Garrido had convinced her the world outside their compound was unsafe, ironically full of pedophiles and rapists.

Even now, it’s still hard for Dugard to fully understand why she didn’t leave.

“I’ve asked myself that question many times. I know there was no leaving. The mind manipulation plus the physical abuse I suffered in the beginning, there was no leaving…. I don’t know what it would have took. Maybe if one of the girls were being hurt,” Dugard said.

 

Coping With Captivity

Page 4 of 4
July 10, 2011

 

Dugard coped with the manipulation by keeping journals, writing stories and dreams that allowed her to imagine herself in a life outside of the compound.

While the Garridos stripped her of her innocence, they could not strip her of her imagination.

She would come up with stories about the tree outside the window, she named the spider in her room, she wrote in her journals about falling in love one day, riding in a hot air balloon, being a veterinarian.

Throughout her captivity, she would take care of several cats and other animals.

When she became a mother, she turned a corner of the compound into a school for part of the day.

She remembered how she used to play school as a little girl, but now she was responsible for actually educating two little girls.

She made a regimen of classes during the day with worksheets and lessons she found online.

She mothered her girls even though the Garridos forbid the children from calling Dugard “mom.”

Nancy Garrido, jealous of Dugard, required that the children call her “mom.”

Even with access to the computer, Dugard said she never searched for her mother or for news accounts of her kidnapping.

She was scared to because of the Garridos’ manipulation.

Jaycee Dugard Dependent on Her Abductor Watch Video
Introducing Jaycee Dugard to Nancy Garrido Watch Video
Jaycee Dugard Pregnant at Age 14Watch Video

 

The Rescue and the Future

Dugard and her daughters would be rescued in August 2009 after an increasingly paranoid and delusional Phillip Garrido alarmed two campus police officers, Ally Jacobs and Lisa Campbell.

He’d shown up on the University of California, Berkeley, campus with the two daughters he’d fathered with Dugard.

The campus officers, both moms, did something nobody else had done.

They saw a man haranguing and they talked to him, engaged him and then acted on their suspicion.

A background check revealed he was a convicted sex offender.

When they called his parole officer to ask about his two daughters, the parole officer didn’t even know that Phillip Garrido had children.

Over the 18 years Jaycee Dugard was in captivity, parole officers had visited the home at least 60 times and never reported anything amiss.

Phillip Garrido was called to a meeting with his parole officer on Aug. 26, 2009. He brought his wife, Dugard and the two girls.

At first, Dugard lied for Garrido, still under the spell. She eventually confessed who she was by writing her real name down.

In her memoir, she says that writing her name was like an extinguished flame reigniting.

“The light came back…it was very dark for so long…but that light finally came back on,” she said.

Dugard is savoring her freedom and planning for the future.

“I would like to study writing, you know? Really, because I love words and I love mythology…the way metaphors work and how [you] can see things differently with words,” she said. “It helped me get through a lot of days, my imagination.”

Dugard wants her book, her story to help people realize there is a way to triumph over tragedy and survive. And for her captors, both locked away in prison, she has a message.

“[You] can’t steal anything else,” she said.

 

Through It All, Poems about Life Struggles

 

Through It All, Poems about Life Struggles.

Through It All

Friends come and go
Life flies by right before your eyes.
You loose ones you love
Yet through it all you still love your life.

People leave you to fight alone
You put on a fake smile to hide all your pain
Yet someone still knows your hurt.

Through it all you still put on a front to satisfy those around you
Thorough it all you wouldn’t change a thing
Through it all you wouldn’t trade your life for fame.

You build a wall to try to keep from getting hurt
You lock up you heart and throw away the key to see who cares enough to look for the key
Through it all there’s not many people that got you to open up yet still you love it all.

Struggles meet you in the face to watch you slip up
Yet through it all you wouldn’t change a thing.

Through it all you wouldn’t change a thing
Through it all you wouldn’t trade your life for fame.

Source: Through It All, Poem about Life Struggles http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/through-it-all#ixzz25w8F8Adu
http://www.FamilyFriendPoems.com

 

My World In Tears, Poems about Life Struggles

 

My World In Tears, Poems about Life Struggles.

My World In Tears

© Eonis Cibrian
When I started to break
You glued me together
I began to suffer through pain
and ignore all the rain
but life began to tremble with a problem after another
you scared me with blood
and he hurt me with tears
its no lie
I do wish I can die
but I know death is not the solution to everything I hear
I know he will be better
and I know I can wait
but if your not wanting this
stop giving me this race!
I can stop at the red light
but life goes green
can I get a speeding ticket
when my life turns grey
help me to be the only color
help me to escape from grey
no more rain no more tears.
let my world fly out of here!

Source: My World In Tears, Poem about Life Struggles http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/my-world-in-tears#ixzz25wBB6Knd
http://www.FamilyFriendPoems.com

 

Through It All, Poems about Life Struggles

Through It All, Poems about Life Struggles.

I wrote this poem on my 16 birthday just to show that even though my life isn’t perfect I still love it and wouldn’t change a thing about it.

Through It All

Friends come and go
Life flies by right before your eyes.
You loose ones you love
Yet through it all you still love your life.

People leave you to fight alone
You put on a fake smile to hide all your pain
Yet someone still knows your hurt.

Through it all you still put on a front to satisfy those around you
Thorough it all you wouldn’t change a thing
Through it all you wouldn’t trade your life for fame.

You build a wall to try to keep from getting hurt
You lock up you heart and throw away the key to see who cares enough to look for the key
Through it all there’s not many people that got you to open up yet still you love it all.

Struggles meet you in the face to watch you slip up
Yet through it all you wouldn’t change a thing.

Through it all you wouldn’t change a thing
Through it all you wouldn’t trade your life for fame.

Source: Through It All, Poem about Life Struggles http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/through-it-all#ixzz25vjRMlpc
http://www.FamilyFriendPoems.com

Incest (A Nation’s Shame) | Authspot

 

Incest (A Nation’s Shame) | Authspot

Damaged by another’s game.
Desperate; she seeks to end the pain.
Cross-legged in the dust she sits
Staring at her bandaged wrists.
Tangled hair falls down her back,
Anguish bleeds her eyes to black.
Lying back in the dust,
Pride is dead and so is trust.
Cannot forget the guilt and shame;
No way out – no end to pain.
No one answered her screams for help,
A nation watched as her soul bled out.

copyright 2009

Read more: http://authspot.com/poetry/incest-a-nations-shame/#ixzz25wDLpR5G

 

Depression

 

Depression

© By will pharis
Alone and depressed, dwelling on the absence of success. I trudge trough life focused on nothing but strife. Every now and then hope shines through only to be repressed by the things that make me blue. When people try to help I close my mind for they are also blind. Time after time I ignore everyone and their cliche lines. If people were clever the world would could last forever. Unfortunately conformity has unconsciously been proclaimed the better.

 

december 7 2008

 

why not finally succeed at something instead of always failing why not succed at my finality

I sit here pondering why I feel the need to cut when it has been 70 days since the last time I cut. Yeah 10 weeks. That’s a long time for me lately even if it does not seem that long it is a long time for me since in the past almost 3 years I have gone 96 days one time without self harm and mainly less than 30 so this is a while for me to go without it. Although I can not say that I have gone without hurting myself for that long or without avoiding and escaping my thoughts feelings pain and suffering. During these 70 days there was one day where I smashed my head into the door several times for being angry at myself. Then there are the several times that I have used drugs and can not seem to get away from them where I am living currently. I also have gone some days without eating trying to control that since everything else has been out of control. I do not understand why I continue to struggle day in and day out with thoughts of suicide and then want to cut just to minimize my suicidal thoughts and lesson them. The desire to cut recently has been extreme although not sure if the cutting thoughts or the suicide thoughts have been worse. I have been actively planning my suicide although have not acted upon the thoughts of trying to purchase a gun just to have around incase. I have been watching the clock for the exact times of the trains coming incase I build the courage to jump in front of it. Although not really sure I have that much courage. I am a coward and try to think about the least amount of pain and suffering I will use to complete my suicide. I have searched for the beams in my ceiling in case I believe I can complete my death by hanging myself although with how fat I am the rope will probably break or the beam will. So I am not too sure about that method. I did give one of my treatment providers my check because of me wanting to cash it and purchase a gun off the streets somewhere but I will get that back tomorrow and may just go buy one if I can find one just to have in case I can build my nerves up to pull the trigger on myself but not sure I have enough oomph to pull it. I want to cut as an escape from all these thoughts and although I am in therapy I am not sure she really does care whether I am dead or alive anymore. A month ago she told me she would not do therapy with me if I did not attend IOP and quit using drugs. And I hadn’t seen her since she said that for an individual therapy session but I have been going to IOP although have been unable to quit the drugs for any major length of time since I can not get rid of certain people in my life lately even when I flip out and try to run them away. Although the people that I want in my life and want to be here and around to help me through seem to not care and just want to get rid of me and not have anything to do with me any more. My family could care less about me and most of them have not lived around me for years. I have not spoken with my sperm donor father since 2005 and my mother appears to call me less and less. An then it seems it is only when she wants something from me. The same thing with my brother. Then my brother who my son lives with only calls when he can not deal with something that is going on with my son. Other than that he does not tell me much about my son although makes sure he tells me when he is doing something wrong but nothing when my son is doing nothing wrong. I do not seem to really matter to anyone that has been part of my life both growing up or as of now. I have grown up with so much of the system and none of them people who worked with me even care how I have done or what’s up with me or even if I am still alive. Supposedly cared so much but yet I do not seem to see that any of them ever really cared or the ones I work with now even though they say they care I do not feel they do. And then alls they do is manipulating me into their own ways by blackmailing me into more services and keeping my pills and so on and so forth. Why should I continue to try to get anywhere in life when life is worthless and there is really nothing here for me in life. Yeah so I am supposed to wait another 10 years try to create a life and live in society and wait for my kids to search for me and when they don’t what am I supposed to do then. Continue to live in misery yearning for them wanting them to hold and love. But yet they wont want too be loved by a loser mother like me they probably won’t want anything to do with me ever. So why should I sit here and wait for them and then end up killing myself because of there rejection. Why not just end it now and not have to deal with the rejection pain and suffering. Why sit back and wait for the inevitable when it is bound to happen then. Why not just do it and get it over with and allow everyone else to stop dealing with my pain and suffering. The sooner I get this over with the sooner they will be able to move on with their lives and be relieved by not having to wonder when I will do it because deep down they know eventually I will succeed in killing myself and even though I have failed so many times before they still await the day of that call waiting for some relief from the fear of the unknown not knowing when and how I will do it. So why keep putting it off and failing why not finally succeed at something in my life…..

 

A Cutters Mind

I did not write this I only feel that it expresses some of the things that I felt at times in my life and I still feel here and there.

A Cutters Mind
by Brittany Twloha Hope
Wednesday, September 15, 2010 at 10:49pm.

The pain lifts my feet off the ground

Suddenly there’s blood all around

Why can’t I be a normal kid

Why must I always flip my lid

I hate this fucking life

My pain always ends with a knife

Struggling to get through the day

Fake it like it’s all okay

With a quick slit on my wrist it all goes away

Don’t try and tell me I’m not insane

Don’t tell me I don’t know pain

Cuttings all I’ve ever known

No where’s safe not even home

I’ll slit my wrists tonight

Watch myself bleed out alright

I don’t wanna be here

I can’t even cry not a single tear

Bleed out the voice inside said

It wont be happy till I’m dead

I promised I’d stay clean

So I’ll make sure the cuts are unseen

I’ll wear a jacket and hide the scar

I’ll fulfill my dream and get hit by a car

What if there is a hell I ask myself

So I leave the pills on the shelf

But I go for my razors instead

Cut myself till I’m dead

All my clothes are stained with red

Blood stains on my bed

Fall deeper into the darkness

Slit my wrist while the razors at its sharpest

The blackness consumes me

It ultimately dooms me

This pain is getting old

I can’t wait till I’m dead and cold

How does everyone else survive

The pain is how I know I’m alive

One day I’m gonna slip and go to deep

Then I’ll be forever asleep

Hang the noose around a limb

A sad girl so lost and grim

Gag on the pills as they go down

A sad girl screams without a sound

No one cares no one can understand

No one even offers a helping hand

She tells everyone she wants to die

No one notices her cry

Slowly she brings the gun to her head

Pulls the trigger now she’s dead