In life there are struggles and many ups and downs. My life has seemed to have more downs than ups but I still survived them. I will continue to survive life’s twists and turns as I venture through my life paths. I am not perfect and I make way more mistakes than I would like to admit. However, where I am currently in my life is far better than where I was just 5 years ago. I finally nerved up and moved from Virginia where I never believed I could because I wanted to be there when my kids come find me when they each turn of age when they are allowed to. I could not move out of emotional entrapment done to myself by my own mind. I finally worked through that and moved here to Upstate South Carolina about 8 months ago. I am not happy where I currently am though. I don’t know anyone here really and I have no friends. The so called family that is here has only made it harder for e to be happy here and want to stay. I thought moving here could help my mother realize I am her daughter, her oldest child, and I deserve better than the life she provided for me. Unfortunately because of my traumatic childhood in which she was part of creating I have PTSD and it has caused me more anxiety being around her and the narcisstic behaviors and things she says. Her own victimization when I try to address something creates animosity within the relationship and causes a complete attitude from her of shutting me out of her life like she did most my growing up. She never really had to take care of me when I was young. I was raised by a system from a very young age, though not young enough not to suffer from the effects of abuse. So when something happens I try to talk to her by text about it only for her to deny and invalidate my experience and then attack me. I get defensive and bring out the things she has done to harm me in my life and she feels she owes no apology, she was a young mother is her excuse, and she’s moved on and so she says I need to move on and forget all that. I cannot just forget. Much of my life is a mystery and blank to me because of the trauma I have just forgotten. But when triggered I experience emotional triggers and flashbacks more than actual flashbacks and triggers of the actual physical and sexual abuse. Anyway I was doing emotionally well and protected myself by not being around her and limiting my contact with siblings and other family that increased my triggered emotions until I moved here. Now I am stuck here for the remainder of the year until my lease ends and I can move elsewhere. I however never wanted to move back to Massachusetts because I felt that was moving backwards in life. now I want to go back to Virginia because the last 8 months I lived there I met some awesome people and created great support system and friendships I dont want to lose. I also really wanted to move to the beach which in Virginia is 3 hours or more away from my friends and I still would be lost there like I have been here in SC without friendship and supports. In Massachusetts I have friends too friends I have had for years even though I left there 11 years ago, I was raised there and know lots of people and could have support there too. There I would be closer to the beach or even could look for a place at the beach. I could also just start over in a completely whole new state on a beach and hope to get a group of awesome friends like I have in Virginia that are accepting, friendly, care, loving, and very supportive. Though I have a lot of good about moving back to the area I moved friend in Virginia there is some bad. it puts me back in an area that’s close to siblings that are just like their mother and have many traits of their father manipulation, lies, no values, selfish, and narcissism. I would however be close to where I was when I lost my kids and would be near for them to find me. But with the internet nowadays they should be able to find me easily since I keep an online presence everywhere I go. Also I like gardening and want to go somewhere and be able to garden still. I have thought about staying in SC and just moving to the beach which is atleast 3-4 miles away currently from where I am and that will give me the independence and space away from those that live here I want away from. I have never been out west like the western shore board near the beaches there or down south like Florida beaches either. Those could be options I look into to. But right now I am very unsure and confused on what to do and where to go from here. Anyone have any suggestions or further information that could help in y decision I welcome your voices.
A FRIEND INDEED
- A Friend Is Some Who Looks Past Your Broken Down Gate and Admires Your Beautiful Garden (dianereedwiter.wordpress.com)
- True Friends (thecomplainerguy.wordpress.com)
Why Mental Health Professionals Don’t Help
Are you unsatisfied with mental health care? Do you get the feeling that professionals just don’t care about you and would rather you just went away and left them alone? Do you get disappointed or angry when clinicians ignore your tears or tantrums. Have you ever wondered why?
Mental health professionals deal with all sorts of psychological, emotional and behavioral problems every day. They’re trained to assess and react appropriately to many different situations and are often confronted by violence, manipulation, ridicule and sometimes even honest distress. They’re also human.
Not all psychiatric patients have an illness. Many are just trying to manipulate the system. They may want to escape a court judgment or perhaps they’re keen to get more benefits from the state. Sometimes they want to manipulate a family member and are pretending to be depressed to get their own way. There are lots of reasons why some people will get themselves into the mental health system. Mental health professionals are interested in treating illness. They’re not generally too interested in spending a lot of time and energy ‘treating’ someone who’s healthy but trying to use the system for their own ends.
Some patients are genuinely ill but use their illness as an excuse for unacceptable behavior. Just because you’re anxious doesn’t give you the right to hurt others. If you have a drug habit or alcohol problem staff can help you with that but don’t expect to intimidate them as well. Caring does not mean being fooled by a manipulative threat to injure self or others and mental disorder will not always protect a person from the consequences of their actions. After all, ill or not most people still have choices and can choose to abide by the law just as easily as they can choose to break it.
Very often staff will ignore a client’s threats simply because they believe them to be a manipulative technique. Common examples include:
Threats of suicide if staff don’t dispense or prescribe inappropriate medication;
Threats of violence, including veiled threats such as ‘I don’t think I can control myself much longer’ (a common one from people awaiting trial for violent assault as they think a diagnosis of anger problems will mean a reduced sentence);
Emotional blackmail such as the suggestion that the professional is making things worse by not letting them have their own way and thus is a ‘bad’ practitioner.
When faced with manipulation the usual course of action will be to ‘disattend’. This means effectively to ignore the threat and so demonstrate the pointlessness of manipulation. Often clients learn this lesson very quickly and then real work can begin on the actual problems. This does not mean that the manipulation isn’t a symptom of the disorder – often it is but focusing too much upon threats of self-injury or whatever just clouds the issue.
Of course any one of these threats could also be a statement of fact from a genuinely distressed client. In these cases the reaction from staff is often very different. As a rule mental health professionals are so used to manipulation that they can quickly tell the difference. For example the drunken young man who breaks up with his girlfriend, takes an overdose of aspirin and then calls her to get the ambulance is more likely to want her to feel guilty than to end his life. Most psychiatrists resent getting out of bed at three in the morning to interview such cases.
Some people come into contact with services with impossible expectations. For example they may expect to sit back and wait while the clinicians sort out their marriage difficulties or change their apartment for a state owned house. They may have themselves admitted to a ward for detoxification so that they can sell drugs to patients already there – sometimes they even sell drugs prescribed to them by the unit they’re in. It’s surprising how often these people claim a mental illness defense when the hospital authorities call the police. Mental health units generally take a very hard line where drugs are concerned because many drugs, when combined with psychiatric medications can cause major problems and even kill.
Inpatients are often very vulnerable and the effects of other patients upon their mental health can be devastating. Clients admitted to psychiatric hospitals who set about exploiting, ridiculing or otherwise distressing their fellows are generally ‘moved on’ very quickly by the ward team. It’s not a good way to get help for yourself and it can be very damaging to the care of your victim. This is also why those patients who demand a lot of staff time and attention will only get it if the staff think it’s because of genuine need. Time spent with one patient is also time taken away from another. Many people are surprised to learn that this is also considered an abuse as it prevents other patients from getting the care they need.
Bear in mind that this does not mean that inpatients are expected to sit quietly and wait for their medication like good little girls and boys. Mentally ill or not adults are adults and have a right to express their needs, fears, distress or whatever. They’re also entitled to friendly conversation and many clients do strike up friendships with professionals as a result. It’s simply that attempts to monopolize staff time for non-genuine reasons cause problems for patients and staff alike.
Some clients have an expectation that mental health staff are there to be assaulted. They too become surprised at the reaction they receive. Staff who are attacked by florid schizophrenics as a result of a genuine delusional state tend to be quite philosophical about it. Staff attacked by people who simply want to prove a point or by those who just enjoy hurting people tend to press charges.
Mental health professionals are not anywhere near so stupid as many of their clients believe them to be. It’s true that they are often deeply cynical but that’s different. As a rule, however, they will work hard to help the genuinely ill so long as the client is also prepared to help themselves. It’s often impossible to help a mentally disordered person to move on without co-operation and so people who spend their time trying to justify their illness instead of working to overcome it tend not to do very well. Shortage of professional resources often means that after a while professionals stop trying to treat those who would prefer to manipulate them and move on to those they can help after all.
The concept of ‘treatability’ is very important to mental health clinicians. In any other job or profession people would not be expected to spend time trying to do the impossible. Much can be done to alleviate or even cure mental disorder but this is rarely possible if the client doesn’t play their part. Sometimes of course the client doesn’t know how to behave appropriately or isn’t able to in which case practitioners tend to do the best they can. Often teaching appropriate coping skills is the first step. The person who can control their actions and chooses not to however is a very different proposition.
This does not (or at least should not) mean that clients are written off. It’s simply that clients aren’t always ready to change. Often they are so bogged down with secondary gain issues that no amount of therapy will help. The response from services is often to stop trying and wait until the client is actually ready to change. That’s why many clients who begin drinking or using substances immediately after an inpatient detoxification program will not be admitted until six months or a year has elapsed. The client needs time to come to terms with their situation and build some motivation before trying again.
This concept of ‘readiness’ is valid for many types of mental disorder from neurosis to depression. It does not mean that medication won’t help in the meantime and very often medication is all that is necessary but for those who need to make other changes the will to do so must be present.
It’s often very difficult for professionals to know exactly what is going on. Patients tend to tell their doctors, nurses or social workers what they think the professional person wants to hear. The obvious result of this is that professionals are generally very wary and regularly find themselves ‘second-guessing’ their patients. This is not usually helpful for either patients or staff but it does explain why professionals are so used to spotting manipulation. Usually professionals will ‘see through’ the deceit to the distressed person beneath and hopefully will always begin from a position of trust but it doesn’t take long for that trust to disappear in the face of obvious and persistent lies.
Professionals are also very aware that a client who lies to one staff member will usually be just as ready to lie to all the others. That’s why playing one member of staff off against another often results in the whole team’s mistrust. Mental health staff are ordinary people who do their work in order to help people – not to be treated as fools. Neither do they take kindly to verbal or physical abuse and will respond with criminal charges if necessary.
Of course not all mental health service users are trying to manipulate their careers. In many cases they genuinely want help but don’t know what to do. Some of these people use manipulation because it’s a part of their culture. They may not even realize that it’s a problem. Many people genuinely believe that everyone manipulates others and are just doing what they think is appropriate. Until recently mental health services have not been good at understanding this distinction. Psychiatry is a relatively young science and there is still much to be learned.
The process of learning, like the process of helping is always hindered by deceit however and clients in contact with mental health services generally do better by being honest in their dealings with professionals. If you genuinely want help with your problems it’s important to trust clinicians to do what’s right. Given the chance they generally will although giving you what you need isn’t always the same as giving you what you want.
Permission by Anonymous Person
Assertiveness Training suggests that there are essentially three different ways that people can relate to one another. They can be: 1) aggressive, 2) passive or 3) assertive. Most people come to assertiveness training already understanding what aggression and passivity mean, but they don’t understand assertiveness at all, at first.
Aggression is about dominance. A person is aggressive when they impose their will onto another person and force them to submit, in effect invading that person’s personal space and boundary. Violence may be used in this effort, but it is not a necessary component of aggression. Passivity, on the other hand is about submission. Passivity occurs when a person submits to another person’s dominance play, putting their own wishes and desires aside so as to pay attention to fulfilling the wishes and desires of their dominant partner. They may not like being dominated (most people don’t), but it seems like the smart thing to do at the time (perhaps to avoid the threat of violence or other coercion). Aggression is about domination and invasion; it is fundamentally disrespectful of relationship partner’s personal boundaries. Passivity is about submission and being invaded; it is fundamentally disrespectful of one’s own personal boundaries.
In contrast to these two fundamentally disrespectful positions, assertiveness is about finding a middle way between aggression and passivity that best respects the personal boundaries of all relationship partners. Assertive people defend themselves when someone else attempts to dominate them, using any necessary method (including force) to repel the invasion attempt. Though they can be strong people who are capable of aggressive domination attempts, they never act in an aggressive manner, however, because they know that to do so would cause them to disrespect their relationship partner’s boundaries. Another way to say this is that assertive people use aggression defensively, and never offensively.
There are many classic examples of assertive behavior in history that you can draw upon for guidance and inspiration. The examples of Gandhi and Dr. Martin Luther King come to mind readily, however. Both were leaders of oppressed, invaded groups who were dominated by an upper class (British colonials in the case of Gandhi, and the American white establishment in the case of Dr. King). Both leaders came to a realization that submission to the ruling powers was no longer working and that something drastic had to happen. Both leaders chose a path of non-violent resistance – this is what makes their behavior assertive rather than aggressive and what separates them from run-of-the-mill freedom fighters everywhere. Their commitment to non-violent resistance is what made them great. Both leaders demonstrated and protested against their oppression by the powers that held them down, but did so in a manner that respected the people wielding those powers to not themselves be violently targeted or oppressed. Both stuck to their posture of assertive protest despite becoming targets for escalating violence against their person, their families and the people they represented. In the end, both succeeded in making important reform occur, even if only imperfectly. They were able to make change occur through assertion, and you can do it too.
It is very hard for people used to acting passively to understand how to act assertively, however. Many people new to assertiveness training mistake aggressiveness for assertiveness. This is because their baseline position is passivity, and they literally cannot conceive that there is any alternative to just giving in to the demands of others other than to “fight fire with fire”, usually in the same violent manner that their dominant partners model for them. Such newly “assertive” people will start yelling and screaming back at people who have historically yelled and screamed at them, not realizing in their newly empowered angry state that by acting in this way, they are going far beyond what is necessary for defending themselves, and may enter into the realm of becoming themselves abusive and dominating. This beginners mistake is probably inevitable, and certainly okay to make as a temporary and transitional stage towards better learning how to become assertive, but no one should linger there unnecessarily long. To do so is to substitute aggression for passivity, and to become a bully yourself.
Written by Lady Snafu
time stands still-
transcending her totality
each disconnected thought-
weaves itself into perfection
golden rays frozen lifeless-
catch falling moonbeams
voices call from the darkness-
painting half truths of dead lies
tears choked by fear
feed on the mere existence-
of what lies beneath
reflections in the mirror-
facets of broken dreams
kinnda depressed = depressing quotes +pics | revengeofthegardengnomes on Xanga: “‘People always leave’
My whole life, I’ve followed this quote
Believing every single word of it to be the only truth
I’ve watched as every single person walked out of my life
As if I’m just a pit stop along their way
But then I look around
I see children giving their parents 80th birthday parties
I see friends who have been inseparable since birth
I see couples celebrating their 40th anniversary together
These people have known each other for decades
And are still here
And I realise, maybe I was wrong
Maybe people don’t always leave
Maybe… people just leave me”
Friendship Poems – Poems about Lost Friends – Losing A Piece Of My Soul by Jasmine Johnston: “Losing A Piece Of My Soul
by Jasmine Johnston
I came to you the hour I was in pain
Looking for answers, I cried to you in vain.
I shared the many skeletons hiding in my heart,
I knew then you’d be my friend,
I knew it from the start.
Troubles ran like rivers, flowing through my life,
You picked the pieces up and help me through my strife.
When home wasn’t home to me no more,
You opened up your heart, and opened up the door.
We cried into night until the early morn.
We solaced each other’s pain and shared our many thorns.
As time flew, the air grew thick,
I saw our friendship fading, and my heart grew sick.
The day had arrived,
When it was time to say goodbye.
Now I sit alone,
reminiscing the past I’d blown.”
DBT Skills List: “Using Objectiveness effectiveness: (Dear Man)
A Appear Confident
Using Relationship Effectiveness: (Give)
E Easy Manner
Self-respect effectiveness: (Fast)
A Apologies (no Apologies)
S Stick to value
IE Handout 10: “1. Be Fair
This means being fair to yourself and the other person in your attempts to meet your objectives. The idea here is that it is hard to like yourself in the long haul if you consistently take advantage of the other person.
2. No Apologies
Apologize when apologies are warranted. No overly apologetic behavior. No apologizing for being alive. No apologizing for making the request. No apologizing for having an opinion. No apologizing for disagreeing.
Apologizing implies that you are in the wrong…Apologizing when you do not believe you are in the wrong will reduce your sense of effectiveness over time. Being able to apologize is a very important skill, and is important for maintaining relationships, however, it gets on people’s nerves and can reduce relationships effectiveness
3. Stick to Values
Don’t sell out your values or integrity, just to get what you want or keep the other person liking you. Be clear on what, in your opinion, is the moral or valued way of thinking and acting. However, in dire situations, or where lives are at stake, people may decide to give up their values.
4. Be Truthful
Don’t lie or act helpless when you are not. Don’t exaggerate.
A pattern of dishonesty over time erodes your self respect. One instance of dishonesty may not hurt, but dishonesty as your usual pattern over time erodes your self-respect. Acting helpless is the opposite of building mastery. Sometimes being honest may actually reduce relationship effectiveness. The little white lie was invented for this reason. However, if you are going to lie it should be done mindfully, rather that habitually.
Important notes about self respect effectiveness.”