trying to stay hopeful but feel hopeless
well i am trying to stay hopeful about a place i am going to look at this weekend on saturday…it is in the country sorta well really is but not like in the boonies miles and miles away from society and a friend of mine lives not too far away from it so i am really hoping to get it but on the other hand nothing in my life ever works out the way i hope it will and i am never lucky enough to get anything i want in life so i feel kinda hopeless about it…i feel it will be a very positive change in my life and i may be able to begin to live rather than just continuing to get by… i want to be able to get this place and set it up as my own and have a place where i feel safe secure and comfortable…i want to begin to get some peace and serenity in my life and i believe this is my opportunity to begin working on all this but i feel like nothing ever works out for me like i am destined to always be miserable and never have anything i want or hope for…i pray god have his will and if his will is for me to have this place then he will provide that will…i ask him for help in showing me the way to a better more productive positive and hopeful life…i ask him to change my ways of viewing my experiences and the tribulations i have gone through and am still fighting to get through…lord i ask you to show me the way…i pray that he see my pain and help me find some light rather than always seeing dark and feeling hopeless…i thank god for allowing me to still have one child i can see in my life and not taking them all from me…i thank him for proving me with some shelter over my head where i can sleep at night and not be afraid of being hurt by another person in the community while i am asleep…i thank him for providing me with food to continue to live because some people in the world have not had food for days…i thank him for putting people in my life that understand and have hope for me even when i dont and i thank him for the people he has allowed in my life that need help even though i am not strong enough myself to provide them with the help they need but in due time i maybe strong enough with gods help to help them…amen…..this my prayer and i know i may not be good at praying all the time of in the prescence of others but i do prayer and need to start believing and prayer more…i hope everone has a blessed day and that they are able to be provided for in there time of need.
whats happening how i am feeling what i am thinking
well today i feel so blah…just not with it and anious…i am nauseated and have a headache…been thinking bought cutting and also wondering why i didnt go through with my suicide plan that i so carefully planned for months and spent so much time and energy thinking about…i just wanted everythin g to be over with and then a few days before i decided to put it on hold…for what…why…what is the point of just prolonging the inevitable…my death…today i am feeling very hopeless and have really no energy…i should be starting to work on my first essay for class that the rough draft is due tuesday june 8th and i have no motivation whats so ever to even think about doing it and to even choose a topic…i had a topic in mind for a few days now…but not sur i want to use that topic for this essay since this is a debate essay and i cant put my opinion into it has to be about why people or for and against a topic…i am not sure i want to write about why people are against assisted suicide or self deliverance…i want to write about why people are for it but i am not sure i can be neutral with this topic at this time in my life…i really just wish i could forget about doing this essay…i really think i need to be in the psychiatric hospital right now…but i also have my mother and son arriving in the morning on greyhound and was supposed to meet them there but now i have an appointment with an agency for a mental health support worker…i already talked to my mother and told her i wouldnt be there to meet them so we will have to meet somewhere later in the day…my brother will be picking them up there anyways and they are staying at his house…my mom will be leaving monday to go back to massachusettes and my son will be staying here for the summer…but he already is giving me his attitude and the cold shoulder and he hasnt even arrived here yet or left there yet…he will be staying at my brothers house for the summer and not going back to august but i dunno not sure i even want to deal with him at this time…he really doesnt want to bother with me he is only com ing down here to spend the summer with my brother and visit his friend not to see me and he told me that this morning on the phone…most of the time he only wants something to do with me if i have money can buy him stuff take him somewhere of let him sit on the computer or a video game the whole time he is with me…he doesnt actually like to talk to me or enjoy my com pany and have fun together unless it involves money and that hurts because right now i cant afford to give him everything he wants or spend money on taking him places…i need to be finding a place to live and saving all my money i can for a place to go…i wont be able to stay at the shelter for much longer if i even get to stay after next week because my 30 days is up come monday june 30th and sometimes they let u stay longer but havent said anything to me about wether they are going to allow that or not…i am hoping i dont get a notice a day or 2 before they want me to leave because i will stuck with nowhere to go
realization and peace within
Somethings changed and I am not really sure how or why or when this happened. I am not sure I can even pinpoint the change but I know it is there for now and not sure whether it is good, bad, or indifferent.
I do not have the energy to figure out what has changed but I know that I have thought about cutting just to prove to myself it has not. Yes cutting has crossed my mind but lately it feels more like it is not the answer to anything anymore. Lately I feel like life is so unpredictable but yet appears somewhat predictable. It appears life is more than it really is and people make it out to be an important thing when really it is nothing more nothing less. I have felt somewhat as nothing really is what I have always felt it was. Things happen and I feel it but yet can not escape it anymore then I wanna run and hide.
I have thought about suicide and really am not sure how I feel about it lately although it seems definitive and an end to a lot of pain and suffering. I guess it just has not really been the option I have been looking for and seems to just be my way of escaping what I have or have nto been going through in these almost 30 years of life. I am not quite sure is what I so desire anymore but I am not sure I desire or want anything that I used to. Committing suicide takes a lot of energy to finally commit to and go through with. It takes a build up of courage which I can not achieve.
This it ran through my head several times about needing hospitalization, needing medication, needing more than what I have been doing in life. If I ever really want to get somewhere and where I want to get I am not sure but I may need more than this. I do not know what I need or what I want. I amk not sure about much lately except the feel of fakeness. People do not understand I am not normal. They do not understand I can play the part ofr just so long before I can not do that anymore. No one really sees or understands that I am not who I make myself seem like. But then who am and how am I supposed to be.
Lately there has been a lot of change within me but yet I am not sure how. I know some of it has been my realizing I want to cut but just not doing it because it is not going to work for what I want to erase. I also have realized that I use the talk of killing myself and dying as an escape from whatever I am facing or feeling inorder to avoid what is reality or not. I am not even sure the energy I put into attempting suicide has ever really been there as if it was I would have already achieved it. I am beginning to realize there is somesort of peace within me that is there asnd no matter how much people try to break through it it stays lately.
I can not be in a relationship as I can not be with myself. Relationships are commitment sthat I can nto make. I can not make the commitment to someone else that I can not make to myself. I can not continue struggling to be what I think is expected of me or that I believe others want me to be. I can not be a mom. I can nto be a girlfriend,. I can not be a neighbor. And I sure can not be a friend. As I try to play these roles I find I only hurt the people on the other side of the relationship more than I am hurting and I do not want that. I do not like to or want to hurt anyone. I am not sure I really want to hurt myself anymore. But I also am not sure what else to do so what have I been doing popping whatever pills I can and sleeping. Hoping the answer will be there when I wake up. Bbut it has not come to me yet.
I was up all night crying and wanting to escape as at times it was hard to breathe trying to talk through the confusion and make someone understand they do not want to be with me as I have too many issues. Alls it did was make me more confused as they claim they will be here through whatever and they need me right now as they are having difficulties. I try to explain the complication of myself to him trying to get him to see the difficulties I have in relationships and life. But he is blinded it is as if a lot of people are blinded and all I do is hurt them. I do not want to hurt others. I do not want to be hurt. But yet I am drawn into and live in a world that thrives on hurt. The world is nothing more than a big revolving place to be hurt. It thrives on people suffering and I am not sure that is what I want anymore. I am not sure I want much anymore. I just want to keep the peace whether that means I stop breathing and no longer exist or whether that means something more I am not sure. I am just allowing myself as confused and conflicted as I am to be with it and experience it right now. I am not sure the peace is not numbing but it is acceptable for me right now.
Seems my therapist is giving p and letting go do not think sshe wants to see me anymore
So it is that simple I guess. Not quite sure it really is as simple as you just made it. I feel so hopeless right now. There is nothing left to fight for. Nothing to keep going. The drive home felt like forever trying to hold the tears in. I guess reality is hitting. I see the fight is gone there is nothing really worth holding onto. No one is really reliable. I see how simple is for people to just walk away and let go of. Why is it that people can let go of me so easily but yet I have such a hard time letting go of people places or things. Have you decided I am not worth it no more. I know things are just difficult and I am not really doing anything but I told you that 2 years ago. You are just now confirming that. Are you giving up? I gave up a long time ago. I knew there was never a chance. There never has been a chance. Why now? What did I do this time rather than all the other times when I wanted you to give up and see things were never going to get any better. I guess this is it. I guess its up to me now. Not sure I am strong enough to make it through but do u you really think that I ever believed that anyone really ever cared and was going to fight for me? NO, I never could really trust or believe any of you. I never said you had to do case management that was something you took on. Yes you could have let go a few months back when I was not seeing Pam but that was a decision you made or the agency made or whatever. I am not sure. Why now throw it back in my face. Okay so maybe I do not know all that is happening but neither do you. Yes it may seem I have control over so much but when things are happening it just feels I have no control. I know you say these things are up to me to control but I just CAN NOT control any of it. Yeah decisions are a struggle for me but yet it seems when I do make a decision it is never the right one. Even when it is a decision that is good for me it seems all it is chalked up to be in my mind is not what it really is. I sometimes really believe things will get better but it appears that is not ever going to happen. I can not do this on my own but yet it seems I am alone in this world. Sometimes when I am around others even doing some of the things I do I feel normal. I feel okay but inside I know this stuff is wrong but can not stop it. Just like when I was a teenager I knew the stuff should not be going on it was wrong but yet I felt trapped like there was nothing I could do about it. I did nothing about it. I just kept allowing it to happen and when it happened it felt like I mattered and someone really cared about me. Things in my life currently feel the same way. I hang out with people. Do things with them. Drugs, sexual stuff, codependency stuff and in the midst of it it seems okay. It seems there is really normalcy in my life but when I am alone by myself and I think about it and feel trapped in it. I know it is not the right things, I know its not having a life, I know it is not what “NORMAL” people do but yet its my destiny I guess. I feel so unable to really control it even though you say it is within my control. Sleeping forever seems so contentful but yet so scary so I am living some fantasy trying to live in a fucked up world, a fucked up life, trying to convince myself that NORMALCY is possible. I suppose what I am doing now is the most peace I will have within my life. This actually may be the most normal things have ever been for me. I am not sure maybe the life I am leading currently is normal! Yeah I am sleeping a lot. Yeah I am socializing. Even if that socialization costs me. What does it cost? Material things? Who cares? Money is not everything! Do I need it probably not. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs suggests basic needs food, water, and shelter as a foundation for all humans. I am not sure any of that is what is need for me to achieve the contentment I am seeking. I have food water, and shelter. I have more than that but still have no foundation My son is sleeping and was when I walked in the door. I feel so alone but yet he is here my dog is here and I have people in the neighborhood I could go see but yet I sit here writing this wondering why I even bother. I always believe there is something I am missing and try to seek it but yet can not figure out what it is. If I never know I am always seeking something that has no true way of helping me since it is not ever really missing. I never had a whole lot to begin with so really what is it that I am seeking or missing? I know a lot of this probably does not seem valid to you or anyone else but there is a void that no matter what I do never really fulfills anything. That void was there before my kids were born it was there as a child and now it is still here. Yeah my kids may have blocked it but I felt a void somewhat then. Not to the extent I feel it now but it was there. I never really do as well as I expect and anything I ever expect to work does not work. Anything I allow others to lead me towards that is supposed to work or help ends up not what I expected. If I always fail then why keep trying. If I do not try then I won’t fail. That also means that I will never succeed either. So it is a no win situation but also seems that trying has not helped either. I still fail and can not seem to succeed.
i guess i am doin need ot get some sleep would like to sleep the rest of today and not waken up until monday but i know that wont happen i actually prefer nto to wake up at all but i have no luck when it comes to that…i also am supposed to drive to the airport in nc to pick up my son cause my brother does not feel liek going to get him even though he lives with him and he has custody they never want to do anything for or with the kid… they do not even get the kid what he needs like glasses that he has not had since he busted them back in october or therapy which he needs and his pdoc has been harrassing them about getting him but they have not gotton them…so i guess i am going to have to drive the 3 hours there and then 3 hours back and his flight supposed to be in at 6:55pm but then my mom says that he may not be coming bakc because my sisters boyfriend left her and moved in with another girl and is selling drugs and has a gun that he bought but is in my sisters name and he took the babies check and left them with no diapers and did not pay the bills or rent and all this shit which there oldest daughter just turned 4 last weekend which is why my son went there and she has autism and then they have one that is turning 2 but i went through the same shit back january 2003 with my husband except he pressed kidnapping charges on me and had me arrested and lied to get emergency custody and all and my mother sits there ont he phone tonight saying poor destin y she should not have to go through this and all this bullshit but when i was going through it all and had a miscarriage becaus eof it all no one cared and my kids ended up in social services and everything but yet my mom is going to help her move back to mass from missouri and hel;p her with the kids but yet when i was going through it akll and fought and got my kids back and then lost them again she didnt care and didnt help then last minute she came her to try to file for custody only for the judge to say she had had nothing to do with them this whole time so denied her custody and i lost mine forever but yet she stands by the other kids and always helps all them. i am angry and hurt right now i want to cry i want to feel something more than i am feeling i want an escape i need an escape i need to run from all thjis shit and to toip it off my brother is in psych unit at the hospital in mass for overdosing and trying to jump off bridge and my mother has been there to visit him everyday all week and never gives too shits when i am in hosital not even when i a, icu for days sometimes 7 on monitors and ivs and all that i have never been cared about or loved but yet they can do what they want steal from her threaten her use her and commit crimes and so on and so forth and she still jumps for them but hates me and always has she has never loved cared about or wanted me i hate my life
i am taking it one day at a time just feel like everytime i start to get somewhere or think i am getting some where in life it all falls apart on me and i have no control over any of it…i am still stuck at my brothers house,not taking my meds(sorta saving them just in case),quit my accupunture group last week,got denied by ywca because of my mental health history for a fucking room rental,went on a spending spree on ebay and had no money bounced my account almost 600 so far who knows how much more fees are going to go through,bought my brother a bus ticket to come here with my last 140 dollars this month so he could escape going to jail since his po is violating him then he never got on the bus,i do have 15 packs of cigarrettes for the rest of the month, my mom and son got into last monday and she smacked him and he pushed her and the physically fought, i went through that shit with her and dont want him going through it the only difference with him and i is he fought back and i was a coward and cowered everytime she came after me, been fighting alot with my brothers wife because she neglects the 2 babies and jumps for her 5 yr old, she dont want me here, want to run from this all, and to top it all off jan 18th is just creepin upon me and that was the day 2 yrs ago that social services came to my house and took my kids and just been thinking bout it so much, plus the 2 youngest bdays are in feb…i dunno maybe i am getting to far ahead of myself and just trying to find an excuse to escape all the emotional shit inside…but i havent been in hospital since november 13th was my last admission and got out the 15th,havent self harmed since but really been needing to and have been fighting it…just alot i guess and too much to keep thinking bout just want it to go away just wanting me to go away although i dunno i just need an escape to not feel these emotions and have the thoughts of that day they came and i promised dan and autumn i would get them back as i dressed them and put them in the social workers vehicle,i feel i lied to them and let them down in the worst way, now i have fucked them up for along time and never wanted that but obviously i am too fucked up and i couldnt get them back because i emotionally couldnt handle the shit and them being gone….sorry for bothering you just crying isnt helping and trying to avoid it by playing on this puter all day from the time i get up a around 7am till i go to bed at 2 or 3 am lately isnt helping me get rid of this shit or the urges to self injure at all… what do i do…dont think i can handle this shit much longer with out giving in or giving up
Letter to my youngest child
June 10, 2009
Each day that passes as you grow I wonder how you are. I have wondered about you for a while now and wish I was with you as you grew. I know that you were very young when all this separation occurred. I feel guilty for not spending more time with you. When you were born there were many things happening and there was so much chaos happening in our family. Dakoata was soon to turn 1 year and Autumn and Daniel returned home from foster care when you were 9 days old. During the transition for them to come home from foster there were many things going on and your father and I just had never been able to get along. I feel ashamed for not giving you the time as I was able to give to the other kids and I apologize for not giving you what you deserved and needed. You were a great baby although you just could not handle all that was happening around you. Deep inside it hurts me to know I was unable to care for you the way you needed and to keep things calm around you in order for you to develop and grow as you needed. I am sorry I was unable to be the mom you needed. Since that day that I lost you I have had many regrets for those 11 months we were together. There were many struggles and I know you need more than what I was able to give you. I can not take any of what happened back and I know you do not even know me as your mother. I never deserved to have children and sometimes wish I ad listened to others when they told me not to have anymore that the ones I had was enough. I do not regret having you. You are such a beautiful girl and I wish the best for all of you in the future. I only hope that your life is happy and full of joy as you grow. Things have not been easy for me and at times it has seemed somewhat bearable since losing you. But deep down is this emptiness and sorrow that can never be filled as hard as I try to lesson the pain I have I am still hurting. I know things are better for you without me and wish that you were old enough for me to explain all this to you when we parted our lives and went our separate ways. I still see your smile from time to time as you learn each new thing. I am sorry I had to give you a poor start to life which at this time is such a precious thing for you to have. I wish I could say the same for my life but I know your life is deserved. I wish you all the best in the future and want for things to be normal for you as you grow and with each new day steps closer to your goals and dreams that you may have or will some day have. You are a tough little girl and I love you so much. I want you to know and someday understand that the path I am taking is not the path I want for any of you kids. I never want for you to hurt and even think about doing anything that I am doing. I want for you kids to follow your dreams and enjoy life. It is too late for me but it is not too late for all of you. Keep those smiles on your faces and stay strong. Know in your heart I loved you so much and just could not handle being here without all of you. It has torn me and caused me heartache being separated from you and fearing never seeing any of you again. None of this is any of your faults as I have a hard time facing life and all that comes with it. I am not doing this to cause any of you hurt or sorrow but to give you all finality in your lives knowing I am not out here looking and waiting for you. I love you and your sister and brothers and wish you all the best.
Love you Always,
Well today has been a pretty good day so far i guess. atmy friends house tilling up the area for the peppers for the salsa shack and she is clearing out hte camping area. That is where i will be staying for the summer and trying to figure out who i am who i want to be and what i want to do for my future. It is going to give me the time and spcae to work on me and maybe get somewhere. I am sure this summer will not be easy and all this work i need to and want to do over the next few months is going to be emotionally hard but i hope it gives me hope and a new way to live. I am searching for myself and still have not found me. So many things interest me fora while and then the interest goes away and i become restless and bored with them. Not that i lose all interest on the things i just can not do them as much as i did in the beginning. If i can learn to like me and like who i am whoever that may be then maybe i will be able to just enjoy the things without becoming bored and restless and just not doing them at all. I just do not want to try and be someone i am not just because of the people i am around and I also do not want to pretend to be interested and to like something when i do not just because i am trying to be accepted by people. the big question to me is WHO AM I? maybe I will get some enlightenment with all this and might find some real answers by taking this time of reflection and working on my inner self.
I am so tired of being used by people in my life specifically men. i try hard to get away from situations that I do not like or things I do not want to do and what happens men come around and fuck with my mind. I want an escape away from all this. I want them to go away and stay away. I would liek for all their people to stop calling my house and when they do for these men to be men and tell these people to stop calling here and that they do not want to be bothered. But no instead these supposed men or should I say little boys refuse to answer the phone to the people and the people call numerous times and then when and if I answer then I have to lie and say these little boys are not here when they really are. These people who call for them know they are here and know I am lying. These 2 men play off of eachother telling these people the other is here and so on and so forth so I am caught in the middle of all their bullshit. Then one of the huys wants to be with me just to use me and it always ends with us arguing but then he eventually comes back. I no longer have care for him I kinda am rageful about him but yet then he tries to be so nice when he wants to get back on my good side but then treats me like shit again and again. Then the other man is a great guy and he treats me very good almost seems too good to be true but he has been doing this for quite a while but I am just afraid to get involved. He has some faults and is involved in stuff that I want to stay away from but yet when he is around it is hard not to want to do those things or to stay away from it. Yes at times he is helpful and stays away from it for my sake mostly but then atleastI every few weeks it starts over. I have tried to get away from ehre and want to move so much but cant for some reason. People here like me and I am not quite sure why but I also am not sure where I would go and I know if I go into the shelter my son can not spend nights with me and where will I take him during the day to spend time with him since alls he wants to do while he is here is playing on the computer or play on his xbox. If I have no place for him to do that then he will not want to spend time with me plus it is not really comfortable weather for him to be outside hanging at a park or something and I know he will not want to do that. I feel trapped here/ I do not see an escape away from here. Why is it I always seem to get involved with negative peopel and why is it I can not stay to myself and keep people away from and for me to stay away from them. I think I would be alright if i could learn to stay to myself and not be such a people person. If I could hibernate I would be alot better off. but for soem reason I can not. I have less than 2 weeks to my planned date to escape all this pain and misery but still have not been able to get enough shit to carry my plans out. So what do I do? How do I obtain the means to do myself in if no one is willing to help obtain the need shit and I have no means of obtaining the shit currently but yet I am desperate. I want out of this world and the pain I endure day in and day out.